Oct 6, 2009

It is so windy, I think my house might get blown over... or maybe just blown into Oz...

Today and yesterday were rough. The Boyfriend and I almost broke up... again... but again we stayed together. We are working on fixing our problems (such as I will try to stop being mean so much and he will start listening to me better). There is one issue which cannot be solved at present. Ask if you want to know that one, it's a little too personal to post up here. Right now, we are just trying to get past it, but we'll see how it goes. Another strange thing is that now The Boyfriend is trying to "figure out what he wants" but he doesn't know how to go about doing so. He refuses to actually break up with me straight up, so I guess the option of trying to figure out what he wants through seeing other people is out. Works for me, I guess? I don't know.

I mean...Hmm...

I love him. I love him so much it's crazy. I put up with a lot of crap for him and from him. But sometimes I just take him for granted and treat him not so well... And what's worse is that I realize it EVERY SINGLE TIME and yet it's like word vomit... I just can't stop myself in time. So I'm working on it. I tend to forget that The Boyfriend is somewhat moody/sensitive, so I can't really say certain things to him that I could (jokingly, of course) say to other people. However he has no qualms with teasing me. >_< No fair! But I told him that I hate being teased, especially since, as the youngest sibling, I've had to deal with it for many many years. Hopefully he and I will both get better about that.

I hope that my being really open and vulnerable here is not too weird. I'm just trying to be honest and say what I want. I mean, that's why my facebook doesn't link to my blog. That's what I don't really tell people I know in-person about it (Maggie/Kailyn, you are special exceptions!). I like the fact that I can say nearly anything I want to (and even hold back the things I don't want to say without caring whether or not it annoys people). This blog is a very nice place for me to situate my brain every once in a while.

So hum... What else what else... I don't know. Leave me a comment and maybe I will make up a post about it for next time.


  1. you're lovely, you'll figure something out =]

    also, it's really cold in ohio. i mean yeah you guys are near the windy city but we've got lake effect here [yeah yeah i understand you have a lake too, but i don't know how it works over there =p] anyways, it's been ridiculous over here, it's like 40 degrees when i sleep and in the mornings i can see my breath. and i wouldn't mind it at all... if it were november. i want to enjoy my autumn! i wanna year my light jackets! not my big furry one [well, no i love wearing my furry jacket =]]

  2. This is tough. In every relationship there has to be self sacrifice from both parties, but how do you know where to draw the line? You have to decide for yourself when you've given up too much of who you are...

    I would also recommend really talking to him about him "figuring out what he wants". If that is or includes you, that's great, at least you can have that comfort and security in trying to work things out; but he owes you honesty in telling you if you are essential in his life or just a stepping stone to somewhere else...

  3. @rachel: Thank you. :) Yeah, it's been fairly cold here, and RAINY! Yesterday it was literally MISTING all day long, and then finally it stopped but then the wind went crazy. Ugh @ Chicago weather in fall. >_<

    @allan: Delicious?

    @logan: Yeah, exactly. It's difficult to figure out but for now I think we're safe. And the "figuring out what he wants" has a lot to do with the issue that cannot be solved at present. Basically he's trying to figure out if that one issue is worth the relationship... it sounds somewhat awful written here, but when explained it is not so crazy-sounding. We've already decided that no matter what, we're always going to try to be in each others' lives because we are so close and... quite frankly, no one knows me quite the way he does. Bleh, this is all really hard to put into words and sound somewhat coherent, so I'm hoping that all came out alright.