Oct 31, 2009

Ok, so Halloween was amazingly fun, but I don't feel like writing about it. Haha.

This is how YESTERDAY went down:

I went to the mall with my friend Kyle. Kyle and I randomly ran into The Boy. Kyle, The Boy, and I decided to wander the mall, but then Kyle had to leave, so The Boy and I sat on a couch in the mall (yes, we have those, it is weird) and talked... for two hours (aka until closing). We then walked to my car because I said I'd drive him to his car (he parked on the opposite side of the mall as me and we were closer to my car while on the couch). After I drove him to his car, we hugged goodbye, but then I was sad. We went in for another hug and I was still sad. So we talked.

It was FREEZING cold and windy, and I was sad, but we stayed outside and talked anyway. At one point, he sat me on top of my car because I wouldn't tell him something (which I've now forgotten). He finally let me down, we walked to the side of my car, and as I opened the door, I decided I wanted another hug. He picked me up and swung me around and it was just... fun. I had a really good laugh and smile. And then we talked some more... and after a while, it got windier, so he held me and shielded me from the wind (with aid from my, now open, car door). The conversation went something like this:

Me: I should let you get home...
The Boy: No, I don't have to be home yet, we can stay as long as you want.
Me: Oh yeah, 'cause you're 18, no curfew.
The Boy: ... yeah, I'm 18... *sigh*
Me: What?
The Boy: I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately... when you're my age, things just change...
Me: Oh no, you did not pull that on me. You're not that much older...
The Boy: Yeah but I've had more time to really think about stuff.
Me: Whatever. (then I tried to leave and he pulled me back)
The Boy: No, that's not what I meant... I mean like, I've been thinking about what I feel and what I want. What's important...
Me: Uhuh?
The Boy: And like... (he said some stuff but it would take to long to type so I'm shortening it) What's more important to you? What you feel or what you want?
Me: Well...What I feel IS what I want.

And then, he just put his hands behind my neck, pulled me in, and kissed me... It was seriously like a movie. The wind was blowing and I was freezing but I could feel my insides getting warmer. I leaned back and looked at him, and... weirdest feeling in the world... some kind of mix of terror and confusion and excitement...

The Boy: I've been thinking about what I want, and how I feel, and all I really know is that I love you and no matter what, I want to experience things with you. Sure, some things may feel good, but they don't make me happy, and I don't want them the same way. You make me happy.
Me: ... I... love yo-(he then cut me off by kissing me again) -too...

And then we said some really mushy-gushy stuff and we got into my car to talk things over some more because it just got TOO COLD... He told me about how the break was for him, and I told him about how it was for me, and pretty much we decided that even though this might mess things up later (or it might not), why not just be happy with each other now? If we have that chance, we might as well take it.

Oh and then there was this:
The Boy: I know you always talk about how you were an accident and how you made your parents' lives miserable and stuff... but I don't think you're an accident simply because of how happy you've made me... like I must have done something to deserve how happy you've made me.
Me:... (after cooing over how adorable it was) Maybe so...

So anyways, I've resolved to be a little more relaxed and I'm really going to try to be more understanding... I know it's tough to be a teenage guy... And he has resolved to being more understanding of me and such, too... I think we both understand each other a little more since we've been separated, 'cause we both went through these weird sorts of withdrawal (which I don't need to get into here, haha). Not sure how to explain it, but I think things are going to be a little different from now on... not too different, but... different enough.

Sorry that this post was so long, I'd just hate to cut out any of it. A lot of it is just so that I'll remember it, but hopefully you have been okay with reading it, too. :)

Possibly a post about Halloween tomorrow!

Oct 30, 2009


(But more on that tomorrow...)

So excited for Halloween! I am going with a great gaggle of people to a farm-ish type place (it's like a county fair only smaller?) and then we are possibly trick-or-treating for a while and then we are going back to my house to eat and watch movies or something. MY COSTUME IS SOOOO COOL! :D

So yes, that's all I wish to type right now, as my fingers are really cold from being outside for a while... but, like the beginning of this post, there will be more on that TOMORROW! :D

Oct 28, 2009

I've recently become obsessed with this website called thesixtyone.com and I think YOU SHOULD BE, TOO! haha. I really love this song called "Boys with Girlfriends" by Meiko. It's soooo great... and that's the end of my little plug thingy.

Nothing really new. Just kind of getting through the days. I've cried every night so far, but maybe that will change tonight. Just maybe. The more I think about it, the more angry I get that I wasn't, in his mind, better than what I wouldn't give him (he'll never admit to it upfront, but that's what it was). Alongside the growing anger, I have a growing amount of regret. I wasn't nice enough, I didn't pay enough attention, I didn't try hard enough just to love him. On top of that, I've been getting a little sadder... just remembering all these amazing times and stuff, it hurts so much, plus all the friends that I'll eventually lose (as much as none of us believe it will happen, it will).

But through it all, I'm trying to just... let things happen and be happy where I am. It really sucks... I hate feeling like I have no control whatsoever, but that's the reality and I'm attempting to learn to live with it.

About the new "crush" or whatever you'd like to call it... let me explain that it's not like a "oh my gosh I liiiiike him soooo much" thing. It's a "hey, this guy is really neat and I would not mind dating/kissing him." He is nice, funny, cute, tall, in generally good shape, and a good Christian boy (which would be a definite advantage over the ex). I know it's not wise to compare certain boys with other boys, and I'm not going to do it much, but this is at the very least a wonderful comfort knowing that I won't get dumped for the same reason as before. (Maybe for a completely new version, but still, it's nice to think about.) Of course, "won't get dumped" would assume that I will actually date him, which may or may not happen. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see, for now.

There's still the possibility of getting back with The Boy, however I don't see that happening at this point. He's... I don't know, he doesn't seem too keen on the idea, and I'm so messed up right now that I don't think it'd be great for me, either, 'cause who knows what I might do... blech.

Anywho, I'm done blogging for today! Ta ta!

Oct 27, 2009

It's waaaaay too soon to have a crush... but I do. Oh well. :)

Oct 25, 2009

The Boy and I are officially The Ex and I.

edit: I can honestly say I'm heartbroken. I pretty much want to die right now. But more than that, I just want to go run into his arms and be his again... even though I know that's not what either of us needs. It's just... why does it have to be like this? Why is it that two people who care about each other SO much can't be together anymore? I don't know. I just don't want to be broken up. Great, now I'm crying again, just what I need at 2:30am.

It was so horrible. I was sobbing, he was sobbing... we were just holding each other, almost as though we were trying to hold the pieces in place. Neither of us wanted to end things... and yet we did. We did because he wanted something so much that it changed the way he acted toward me, which in turn changed the way I acted toward him. And now it's too late for me to turn around and say "hey, nevermind, I'll try harder." But I want to so badly. I don't want anyone but him right now... I really want to go numb until I'm capable of not being sad. Ugh, I have school tomorrow.

I guess my amazing week has officially ended, eh?

I have officially applied to Southern Illinois (Carbondale) and University of Illinois (Urbana/Champaign)! WOO!!!! I feel so accomplished. Only need a few more... haha.

In other news, it looks like I might have another date. My friend and I have been flirting like crazy as of late. He was actually the person I hung out with right before The Boy and I decided to take a break. The day of, in fact. Since the break started, this friend and I have been talking a lot, flirting and such, and just overall having good conversations. Last night, he basically offered himself up to be one of my dates... It was quite confusing and such but we continued the flirting and such last night and today, so I guess that's a good sign? I don't know. Haha. Oh well, not that big of a deal.

Bleh, I don't feel like typing any more.

Oct 24, 2009

To you... and you... and you and you and you...

-Sometimes I like to pretend that you're writing about me, even though there's no way it could ever be true.

-Thank you for being such a fantastic friend. I know I don't deserve it.

-I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what our situation is. Please don't forget that.

-What did you mean when you wrote all those things? Surely it was just our usual "thing," right? Nothing more, RIGHT? Why are you so confusing?

-I really miss you. We used to see each other practically every day. Now, it happens once in a blue moon. I love you more than most people.

-I feel bad when I am standoffish to you, but it's only because you tend to talk a lot and to be honest, it's just sort of annoying sometimes. Not always, but sometimes... And you say a lot of weird things that either don't make sense or just sound immature... but I know you're smarter than that, so I think you just need to realize how much I've grown up.

-I miss you as well. I can't wait to see you in November! You are literally my most favorite person in the world!

Okay, no more anonymous writings to people. Peace out, friends.

Nothing to do today! My mom wants me to clean, but even that can't take very long... Hmm... I suppose I should see if anyone is available. I feel like there was some kind of plan for the weekend that's somehow been forgotten... =P

Every day I get a little more undecided about this whole break thing. I love The Boy, however I also love the idea that I have a shot at being with someone else who shares my faith and values and stuff. I don't even know. Suppose I should just wait it out another 2 weeks and see what happens, eh? Maybe he doesn't even want to be with me anymore. We still haven't really gotten the chance to talk about it much... and him being sick doesn't help. =/ Bleh. I think it would be helpful to go on one more date with someone, but there is no one to take me on one. There are 2 people that I would most definitely say yes to, but I don't believe either is interested. Oh wells. Not really a big deal.

In other news, this week has been pretty amazing... not entirely sure why, or even if there IS a why, but I like it all the same. The very small amount of homework and lack of drama between friends is definitely a plus. Seeing the bestie yesterday was icing on the cake. :) Oh, and there was that wonderful sweater I posted about. All-in-all, this week was fannnnntastic.

Oct 23, 2009

I kid you not, my friend Steve has the voice of Nate Ruess, who is (err, was, I guess?) the singer from The Format... basically... There's something so special about this kind of voice... I don't know, I just love it. I started freaking out when I heard my friend sing. I'd never heard it before, since I guess he hates singing in front of people, but then he was up on the stage for this production that my school puts on and he was singing this song that he'd written (while playing his 12-string, how cool!) and... yes. Sorry I can't be more articulate, I just wanted to make it known how amazing I find this kid. He is seriously one of my all-time favorite people.

In other news, The (non-current) Boyfriend has bronchitis! :( Saaad. We would be hanging out today if it was not for that. Oh wells, I get to see my bestie tonight, which is just as good, if not better! :D She is very cool.

Now, I'm off to chill alone for a bit before I chill with her.

Oct 22, 2009

Hey all.

I have a raging headache so I'll post more later. Just wanted to point out that evidently, my face truly matches my insides sometimes.

Today, while I was at Starbucks with a couple of friends, I heard my name. I looked up, only to see a waving hand and a slightly familiar face. I tried my hardest and after a few seconds, I remembered his name and where I knew him from. It was Prabhat, a guy who I had not seen since 8th grade. I went over and talked a bit and then sat back down. My friends said that my face was priceless. Evidently, it looked like I went into "panic mode," according to my friend Kailyn. My other friend, Jenn, said that I went bright red and looked like I really didn't know what to do. What's funny was that I was when I saw him, I was thinking something like "Oh man, I feel bad, I don't know who this is" and I guess it showed, for a second at least.

Anywho, that is all for now.

Oct 19, 2009

Today, I had the honor of wearing a sweater to school. It was no ordinary sweater. Oh no, it was much more than just a sweater. It was (and is)... something akin to a BILL COSBY SWEATER. It is bright and colorful and all sorts of comfy... but why tell you about it when I can just show you? :D

So this is THE SWEATER. The story behind it is this: One day, I went to Goodwill with my good friends, Maggie and Lauryn. Lauryn picked up this craaaazy sweater and asked if I wanted it. Well I did not want to spend too much money at the time, but she decided that she wanted it. One dressing room trip later, and all three of us gals decided that we loved/wanted it. We each paid $2 for it, and Lauryn paid an extra $1, which added up to the whole $7 cost. We decided we would trade it off, like The Pants in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, only we're going to wash the sweater.

I figured that what we can do so that what we paid evens out, is we'll rent out the sweater. Lauryn priced it at 10 cents a wear. Thus, the first 10 wears will pay back Lauryn, and then each after that will make each of us a 3.33 cent profit. :) We are SO going to make a fortune. Teehee. ♥

That was basically the most exciting part of my day. It was generally just a really nice day. The weather was beautiful (which was refreshing after so much rain and gross), so I went outside and took pictures of the sweater, as well as ladybugs and spiders and paint and things. :) Whee!

Oh, and I found out that my sophomore history teacher who moved back home to Alabama is now expecting twins! I am so excited for her and her husband. :) They're gonna be the coolest parents ever ever ever.

Today was wonderful! It was just one of those days that reminds me why I love life so much. I even had fun editing a poem that I'd written! Seriously, today is just crazy awesome. I think it's got a lot to due with the sweater, haha. :) I'll be sad not to wear it tomorrow. Oh well, maybe the sweatery joy will carry over through until the next time I wear it (as it goes to Maggie next, then back to Lauryn).

Hum. What do you love about life/fall/sweaters/anything?

P.S. I updated the "art blog!" Go check it out for some poetry-ness.

Oct 18, 2009

The short and skinny: We are going to stay friends. I do not like Kyle romantically and we are not going be a couple or anything like that.

Thai food was delicious and lots of fun. We went out to Starbucks afterward and the was pretty chill. It's nice to just talk with a friend sometimes. :) (Especially over delicious coffee drinks.)

My friend's Eagle Scout thing was actually fun. He got a new neckerchief. Yay!

I went and saw The (non-current) Boyfriend for a little bit after the ceremony b/c I was right by his house and he invited me over. It was nice. We watched this really crazy movie. And then I left for home, changed, and went on the date. The end!

So Kyle showed up at my house last night with flowers for Sweetest Day... he stayed for a little while and ended up putting his arm around me. I think he was trying to get me to kiss him? But I didn't. We talked a bit about if "this" could work, and if it didn't, could we still go back to being good friends? We agreed that we totally can and everything will be fine in any case, so I'm not terribly worried... I just think that maybe he's more into this whole date thing than I am. I know, I seemed really excited/worried before, but last night... I dunno, I don't think I'm romantically interested. Last night just left me with this feeling of... I dunno what to call it... As I described it to a couple friends, I just wanted to cry and hug The (non-current) Boyfriend. It was strange.

My mom doesn't want me to get back together with him because he's not a Christian. I personally don't care at this point. We'll just have to wait and see what happens, I suppose.

Hum, what else? Oh, my friend Dan's Eagle Scout induction or whatever is today. I made him an awesome card, which is sure to make him laugh. Yay! I am actually quite excited for the ceremony. It's only like 30 minutes long, which is probably why I'm looking forward to it. If it were like 3 hours, I might just die a little. Haha. (No offense to any potential cub/boy/eagle/whatever scouts out there... I just don't want to sit through a long ceremony for something about which I care minimally.)

I'll probably post again later tonight after the date with Kyle. We are going out for Thai food. Yumm. At least I know that much will be good... :)

Oct 17, 2009

So... I have a date. I know I said this before, however now it has an official day, which is tomorrow. o.o

I dunno what to wear... I dunno where we're going or when or anything... I guess I should probably ask, at LEAST the when part (I dunno if these things are supposed to be surprises or whatever). This is basically my first first date ever. With The (non-current) Boyfriend, we kinda established that we were interested the night we first met, and then the first couple of times we hung out, we were with other people. We were never alone until after we'd started the relationship, so there wasn't really a "first date" so to speak.

I'm thinking I will wear my most favorite pair of skinny jeans, a cute t-shirt, a cool jacket and this really sweet scarf that I have. If the scarf doesn't work out (I'm not sure how it'll look with the jacket because right now this is all just in my head), then I think I'll go with a long necklace. Gah, maybe I need to make a trip to a friend's house and steal something from one of them...

If I don't go with the cute t-shirt, I'll probably end up going with a short dress (still over jeans). I have a few that I really like (and haven't worn in a while...) that would look a little nicer/dressier (aka more "date-worthy?") AAAAnd if I don't go with that, I have a couple of cute skirts that I could pair with something, although it might be too cold for that sort of thing. Hmm...

The only problem left is shoes. I have a zillion (ok, 5) pairs of Converse. But I also have a pair of black, knee-high boots, OR some black ankle boots, OR some black heels, OR my brown clogs (but those are sorta torn up/gross so I don't think I'll go with them) OR my black flats. Oh yeah, I also have flip-flops (too cold!) and snow boots (too warm!). Hahaha. I'll probably end up going with my black high-top Converse because they go with nearly everything and they are very "me."

Hum... sorry that this has been all about clothes so far. I'm just... ugh I don't know! Haha. I'm excited but at the same time, I'm worried, and also at the same time I'm a little sad. I mean, if it doesn't work out, then I guess we'll just stay friends and it'll be fine. But if it does go well... well then what am I going to do? Should I try to pursue things with this friend of mine? Or should I just shrug it off and go back to The (non-current) Boyfriend? I mean... I still love him, I still want to be with him... Bahhh.

Oh well. New topic. Last night was fun fun fun. We had an Autumnal Celebration in school in which a bunch of people had a potluck, went on an Autumnal Walk of Joy on the prairie path, listened to poetry readings and, most importantly, listened as someone read "Where the Wild Things Are" to us. We then left and went to see the movie a bit later. It was a little awkward b/c only one of my friends could see the movie, and, you guessed it, it was the same friend that I am going on a date with. We didn't put down the arm between our seats in the theater, but we also did not hold hands/cuddle/anything... so it was just strange. In any case, I LOVED the movie. You should go see it... scratch that, you should go read the book first (it literally takes like 5 minutes or less), and then go see the movie. It was everything I'd hoped for and more. ♥

I guess that's all I have to say right now.

Oct 15, 2009

Ok ok ok... so... basically, I'm going on a date with my friend Kyle. And I don't know when or where yet, only that we are going to go on one.

Do I like him? ... I dunno, maybe?
Am I nervous? Not terribly.
Am I excited? Yes.
Am I going to tell The (non current) Boyfriend? ... Maybe... after it happens...? Dunno.
Do I think that this will change things? I'm leaning toward no, but who knows...
Do I plan on looking awesome? HELL YES.

So that's about it right now.

I just wrote a ton of crap for my Creative Writing class, so my thoughts are just about tapped for now. Sorry! :3

Oct 14, 2009


Oct 13, 2009

my heart is aching a lot right now, and I don't know who can fix it.

my heart is now just sort of confused but is definitely not aching. Whoops.

Oct 12, 2009

The Boyfriend and I are taking a 1 month break.

We both need to figure out what we want, and how happy we really are with each other, and this was the best way I could think to do it without just breaking up all together. A break just gives us a little more hope, I think. Who knows, this'll probably only last like a week, but still. We just need some time to reassess.

Oct 11, 2009

Ugh ugh ugh.

I don't think I'll ever be able to be in a relationship with someone without ending up liking someone else... Is there something wrong with me?

I started thinking about crushes, likes, loves and whatever this week. I realized that I could see myself liking/dating almost any of my guy friends. And I was thinking about arranged marriages too, and how it seems like people who have arranged marriages end up falling in love and being happy a lot of the time. I mean, they're at least into each other enough to make babies, ya? So... my thinking here is that really all you need is a friendship and the rest will follow if you let it. It's all about availability and timing, for the most part. I feel like I could go anywhere and find someone who I'd be willing to date and eventually marry.

It's a little less simple than that, of course. Like, I don't want to marry someone who hates music or is mean to me or something like that... but if that's all it takes, then I could honestly see myself marrying any guy who is just a friend to me.

If you're a guy and you're my friend, don't worry, it doesn't mean I have a crush on you. I just think it wouldn't be completely absurd for us to date or get married, probably.

Oct 10, 2009

Dear Creative Writing teacher,

You teach at a private school. Thus, you should probably stop posting things on your Twitter and Facebook like links to your stand-up comedy routine in which you swear, or jokes about wet T-Shirt contests, or anything involving the word "dick" unless it's in reference to someone named Richard.

I really don't want you to get in trouble or fired, because, quite frankly, you are probably the coolest teacher I have this year.

Your student.
I'm going to go read this book right now.


Yay for my school getting all of us seniors free copies! Connections rock! Wheeeee...

Oct 9, 2009


I don't even know why but this just set me off...

I was in class with a couple of my friends. I was even having a really good day so far. Then, we started talking about our two friends who are also a couple, and they were talking about how they no longer like the male side of the couple, and I was trying to defend him in his boyness (since boys generally are kind of dumb... at least at our age... no offense, teeheehee). Nothing really came of that conversation, it just sorta switched to something else, which was fine. THEN, I started talking about this friend (male) who I am planning on chilling with this weekend. All of a sudden my friends are telling me that I cannot date him (well one friend, really, the other was just sort of there when it was happening and just nodded along for the most part). Hello, I am already dating someone... Sure, I might *happen* to look adorable while I hang out with this friend, but so what? No big deal.

So then my friends (again, mostly just the one) start saying how they don't like this guy and how they've only heard bad things about him. I ask if they actually know him personally, and go figure, the answer is NO. Guess who does know him personally? ME. Just because you know his ex-girlfriend who had ONE bad story about him (which could have very well been blown WAY out of proportion, especially since it "happened" like 2 years ago) doesn't mean you know everything about him. He's never done anything mean to me, and since I've known him, he's actually been a pretty fantastic friend. He helped me out a lot just by BEING THERE FOR ME this week, and I thought maybe this would be a good time to try and get together more.

So yeah, I guess it wasn't a huge deal, but I just completely shut down after this. I started doodling/writing in my notebook about how judgmental my friends (mostly with one in mind, not really the other, to reiterate again) and then my one friend starts passing me notes like "I love you" and "you're pretty" and whatever. I don't care what you think of me, and I don't care if you choose not to like some of the people I'm friends with, but don't act as if you know them so well that you can criticize them and then act like I'm crazy to want to be friends with them. UGH.


The rest of my day was spent mostly avoiding/ignoring the one friend. I was fine with the other, 'cause she is generally way awesome and wasn't really contributing to the hatin' and such. It'll all be blown over by the next time I see her, so I guess it's fine. I just... ugh, especially since the more I think about it, she complains about a LOT of people, so I hate to think what she says about me. (Not to say that I don't participate in my fair share of gossip, but still... yikes.)

/end rant.


Oct 7, 2009

I put this in paper form under the flags of a bunch of mailboxes in my neighborhood. I'm slightly altering for this blog. So yeah.

WAIT! Before you just ignore this post, take a minute to just look it over. I’m not asking for money, for help, for anything but a little bit of time and an email response if you feel so led. (This first chunk is a poem I wrote for class, and the rest of it goes with it.)

The Least

Father and daughter
Sweep their feet along the dirty street.
With nothing, they search
For even scraps;
No better than the alley cats.
Not one penny to their names,
Nothing but their torn and tattered clothes,
Wishing for winter to never come.
They are the least.

You lie there,
Body broken by aching disease.
You cry out for healing,
For peace.
And yet you remain weak,
Consumed by thoughts of your own pain.
You beg and plea
For just a little more time; more life.
You are the least.

I see nothing but my life,
Self-absorbed and uncaring,
I hope against all hope
For happiness.
And yet I am so unwilling
To open my eyes to the life outside.
I remain wrapped up in my own problems,
Just barely beginning to want to unravel.
I am the least.

Who are the LEAST?
The least are people in the world who have some kind of problem. Thus, each person is among the least. Some are poor, diseased, in jail… but others are just sad, lonely, or lost. Others yet deal with problems like anger, conceit, or habitual lying. Every person is the least, and every person has been affected by the least. I invite YOU to email me at HowAmILeast@gmail.com and tell me something about your experience with the least.
Some questions you could answer: How are you the least? How have you been affected by the least? How can you help the least? If you’d like, you can even ask me about the Least or about this project. Lastly, pass this on to a friend if you want!

What is LEAST?
LEAST is a production put on by my school which is made up of a play interspersed with student art pieces, as well as a gallery for student art. All the pieces of artwork, like poems, paintings, or videos, as well as the play, are all connected to this idea of who the Least are. The driving force behind it all is this Bible verse: Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Ask me if you'd like more information.

Why am I doing this?
This paper is the result of a school project, but it’s more than that. It’s an attempt to talk about how every person is hurting in some way, and how we can all help. It’s also an invitation to anyone to check out the LEAST program at my school. The responses I receive will be compiled and presented to my class, and then maybe to the rest of the school. It will be completely anonymous (unless you really WANT to be known).

Oct 6, 2009

It is so windy, I think my house might get blown over... or maybe just blown into Oz...

Today and yesterday were rough. The Boyfriend and I almost broke up... again... but again we stayed together. We are working on fixing our problems (such as I will try to stop being mean so much and he will start listening to me better). There is one issue which cannot be solved at present. Ask if you want to know that one, it's a little too personal to post up here. Right now, we are just trying to get past it, but we'll see how it goes. Another strange thing is that now The Boyfriend is trying to "figure out what he wants" but he doesn't know how to go about doing so. He refuses to actually break up with me straight up, so I guess the option of trying to figure out what he wants through seeing other people is out. Works for me, I guess? I don't know.

I mean...Hmm...

I love him. I love him so much it's crazy. I put up with a lot of crap for him and from him. But sometimes I just take him for granted and treat him not so well... And what's worse is that I realize it EVERY SINGLE TIME and yet it's like word vomit... I just can't stop myself in time. So I'm working on it. I tend to forget that The Boyfriend is somewhat moody/sensitive, so I can't really say certain things to him that I could (jokingly, of course) say to other people. However he has no qualms with teasing me. >_< No fair! But I told him that I hate being teased, especially since, as the youngest sibling, I've had to deal with it for many many years. Hopefully he and I will both get better about that.

I hope that my being really open and vulnerable here is not too weird. I'm just trying to be honest and say what I want. I mean, that's why my facebook doesn't link to my blog. That's what I don't really tell people I know in-person about it (Maggie/Kailyn, you are special exceptions!). I like the fact that I can say nearly anything I want to (and even hold back the things I don't want to say without caring whether or not it annoys people). This blog is a very nice place for me to situate my brain every once in a while.

So hum... What else what else... I don't know. Leave me a comment and maybe I will make up a post about it for next time.

Oct 2, 2009

Really sorry for the lack of updates lately. School and friends and life in general have just taken up all my time, and what they have not taken away goes to sleep. Bleh.

The Boyfriend's homecoming was fun. It was, as some would put it, "a total grindfest," however as I do not mind grinding, it was pretty fun. I especially loved the fact that "Don't Stop Believing" came on and EVERYONE started singing. :) Faaaantastic.

My homecoming week has been great. It's wonderful to be a senior. :) I've been feeling quite nostalgic, though, too... Remembering homecomings past has been amazing and yet really sad, too. This week was a lot of fun with dress days. They were:
Monday: Class color day (seniors wore purple!)
Tuesday: Backwards/Clash/Inside-out day (with a backwards class schedule!)
Wednesday: Western Day (yeehaw!)
Thursday: Masquerade Day (remember my prom dress? that + a mask = my outfit)
Friday: School spirit day (Maroon and white Snuggie, ya?)

We had yelling contests and craziness all over the place. Today, there was a 1/2day for classes, then a pep rally (which was sorta lame but I'm too blehhh right now to complain). My friends and I ended up chilling at this farm place near my house, then going back to my house b/c it was raining. We then proceeded to go to Starbucks, and then the Dollar Store (everything costs $1, go figure), and then back to school. We saw all the floats (ours was awful, but whatevs), and then decided to go inside. It was cold, raining, and just icky all-around. While the soccer games went on, my friends and I chilled in the senior lounge, then went to Steak&Shake where we ate deliciousness. We went back to school, hung out indoors again for a reeeeally long time, and finally went outside for like the last 2 minutes of the varsity soccer game. We tied and then it was fireworks time. The fireworks, as usual, were incredible. :) My friend and I ended up sobbing with each other for a minute, thinking about how it was our last homecoming and such... it was so sad... But still, a nice night.

The Boyfriend walked me to my car, we said goodnight, then he went to his car and we both drove home. Obviously, I arrived at home, since I'm writing this. :)

Hopefully that brings you up to date on my life. :D

p.s. My school's very first ever dance is tomorrow! It's a square dance, yay!