I've recently become obsessed with this website called thesixtyone.com and I think YOU SHOULD BE, TOO! haha. I really love this song called "Boys with Girlfriends" by Meiko. It's soooo great... and that's the end of my little plug thingy.

Nothing really new. Just kind of getting through the days. I've cried every night so far, but maybe that will change tonight. Just maybe. The more I think about it, the more angry I get that I wasn't, in his mind, better than what I wouldn't give him (he'll never admit to it upfront, but that's what it was). Alongside the growing anger, I have a growing amount of regret. I wasn't nice enough, I didn't pay enough attention, I didn't try hard enough just to love him. On top of that, I've been getting a little sadder... just remembering all these amazing times and stuff, it hurts so much, plus all the friends that I'll eventually lose (as much as none of us believe it will happen, it will).

But through it all, I'm trying to just... let things happen and be happy where I am. It really sucks... I hate feeling like I have no control whatsoever, but that's the reality and I'm attempting to learn to live with it.

About the new "crush" or whatever you'd like to call it... let me explain that it's not like a "oh my gosh I liiiiike him soooo much" thing. It's a "hey, this guy is really neat and I would not mind dating/kissing him." He is nice, funny, cute, tall, in generally good shape, and a good Christian boy (which would be a definite advantage over the ex). I know it's not wise to compare certain boys with other boys, and I'm not going to do it much, but this is at the very least a wonderful comfort knowing that I won't get dumped for the same reason as before. (Maybe for a completely new version, but still, it's nice to think about.) Of course, "won't get dumped" would assume that I will actually date him, which may or may not happen. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see, for now.

There's still the possibility of getting back with The Boy, however I don't see that happening at this point. He's... I don't know, he doesn't seem too keen on the idea, and I'm so messed up right now that I don't think it'd be great for me, either, 'cause who knows what I might do... blech.

Anywho, I'm done blogging for today! Ta ta!

♥

It's waaaaay too soon to have a crush... but I do. Oh well. :)

The Boy and I are officially The Ex and I.

edit: I can honestly say I'm heartbroken. I pretty much want to die right now. But more than that, I just want to go run into his arms and be his again... even though I know that's not what either of us needs. It's just... why does it have to be like this? Why is it that two people who care about each other SO much can't be together anymore? I don't know. I just don't want to be broken up. Great, now I'm crying again, just what I need at 2:30am.

It was so horrible. I was sobbing, he was sobbing... we were just holding each other, almost as though we were trying to hold the pieces in place. Neither of us wanted to end things... and yet we did. We did because he wanted something so much that it changed the way he acted toward me, which in turn changed the way I acted toward him. And now it's too late for me to turn around and say "hey, nevermind, I'll try harder." But I want to so badly. I don't want anyone but him right now... I really want to go numb until I'm capable of not being sad. Ugh, I have school tomorrow.

I guess my amazing week has officially ended, eh?

♥

I have officially applied to Southern Illinois (Carbondale) and University of Illinois (Urbana/Champaign)! WOO!!!! I feel so accomplished. Only need a few more... haha.

In other news, it looks like I might have another date. My friend and I have been flirting like crazy as of late. He was actually the person I hung out with right before The Boy and I decided to take a break. The day of, in fact. Since the break started, this friend and I have been talking a lot, flirting and such, and just overall having good conversations. Last night, he basically offered himself up to be one of my dates... It was quite confusing and such but we continued the flirting and such last night and today, so I guess that's a good sign? I don't know. Haha. Oh well, not that big of a deal.

Bleh, I don't feel like typing any more.

♥

To you... and you... and you and you and you...

-Sometimes I like to pretend that you're writing about me, even though there's no way it could ever be true.

-Thank you for being such a fantastic friend. I know I don't deserve it.

-I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what our situation is. Please don't forget that.

-What did you mean when you wrote all those things? Surely it was just our usual "thing," right? Nothing more, RIGHT? Why are you so confusing?

-I really miss you. We used to see each other practically every day. Now, it happens once in a blue moon. I love you more than most people.

-I feel bad when I am standoffish to you, but it's only because you tend to talk a lot and to be honest, it's just sort of annoying sometimes. Not always, but sometimes... And you say a lot of weird things that either don't make sense or just sound immature... but I know you're smarter than that, so I think you just need to realize how much I've grown up.

-I miss you as well. I can't wait to see you in November! You are literally my most favorite person in the world!

Okay, no more anonymous writings to people. Peace out, friends.

♥

Nothing to do today! My mom wants me to clean, but even that can't take very long... Hmm... I suppose I should see if anyone is available. I feel like there was some kind of plan for the weekend that's somehow been forgotten... =P

Every day I get a little more undecided about this whole break thing. I love The Boy, however I also love the idea that I have a shot at being with someone else who shares my faith and values and stuff. I don't even know. Suppose I should just wait it out another 2 weeks and see what happens, eh? Maybe he doesn't even want to be with me anymore. We still haven't really gotten the chance to talk about it much... and him being sick doesn't help. =/ Bleh. I think it would be helpful to go on one more date with someone, but there is no one to take me on one. There are 2 people that I would most definitely say yes to, but I don't believe either is interested. Oh wells. Not really a big deal.

In other news, this week has been pretty amazing... not entirely sure why, or even if there IS a why, but I like it all the same. The very small amount of homework and lack of drama between friends is definitely a plus. Seeing the bestie yesterday was icing on the cake. :) Oh, and there was that wonderful sweater I posted about. All-in-all, this week was fannnnntastic.

♥

I kid you not, my friend Steve has the voice of Nate Ruess, who is (err, was, I guess?) the singer from The Format... basically... There's something so special about this kind of voice... I don't know, I just love it. I started freaking out when I heard my friend sing. I'd never heard it before, since I guess he hates singing in front of people, but then he was up on the stage for this production that my school puts on and he was singing this song that he'd written (while playing his 12-string, how cool!) and... yes. Sorry I can't be more articulate, I just wanted to make it known how amazing I find this kid. He is seriously one of my all-time favorite people.

In other news, The (non-current) Boyfriend has bronchitis! :( Saaad. We would be hanging out today if it was not for that. Oh wells, I get to see my bestie tonight, which is just as good, if not better! :D She is very cool.

Now, I'm off to chill alone for a bit before I chill with her.

♥

Hey all.

I have a raging headache so I'll post more later. Just wanted to point out that evidently, my face truly matches my insides sometimes.

Today, while I was at Starbucks with a couple of friends, I heard my name. I looked up, only to see a waving hand and a slightly familiar face. I tried my hardest and after a few seconds, I remembered his name and where I knew him from. It was Prabhat, a guy who I had not seen since 8th grade. I went over and talked a bit and then sat back down. My friends said that my face was priceless. Evidently, it looked like I went into "panic mode," according to my friend Kailyn. My other friend, Jenn, said that I went bright red and looked like I really didn't know what to do. What's funny was that I was when I saw him, I was thinking something like "Oh man, I feel bad, I don't know who this is" and I guess it showed, for a second at least.

Anywho, that is all for now.

♥

Today, I had the honor of wearing a sweater to school. It was no ordinary sweater. Oh no, it was much more than just a sweater. It was (and is)... something akin to a BILL COSBY SWEATER. It is bright and colorful and all sorts of comfy... but why tell you about it when I can just show you? :D

So this is THE SWEATER. The story behind it is this: One day, I went to Goodwill with my good friends, Maggie and Lauryn. Lauryn picked up this craaaazy sweater and asked if I wanted it. Well I did not want to spend too much money at the time, but she decided that she wanted it. One dressing room trip later, and all three of us gals decided that we loved/wanted it. We each paid $2 for it, and Lauryn paid an extra $1, which added up to the whole $7 cost. We decided we would trade it off, like The Pants in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, only we're going to wash the sweater.

I figured that what we can do so that what we paid evens out, is we'll rent out the sweater. Lauryn priced it at 10 cents a wear. Thus, the first 10 wears will pay back Lauryn, and then each after that will make each of us a 3.33 cent profit. :) We are SO going to make a fortune. Teehee. ♥

That was basically the most exciting part of my day. It was generally just a really nice day. The weather was beautiful (which was refreshing after so much rain and gross), so I went outside and took pictures of the sweater, as well as ladybugs and spiders and paint and things. :) Whee!

Oh, and I found out that my sophomore history teacher who moved back home to Alabama is now expecting twins! I am so excited for her and her husband. :) They're gonna be the coolest parents ever ever ever.

Today was wonderful! It was just one of those days that reminds me why I love life so much. I even had fun editing a poem that I'd written! Seriously, today is just crazy awesome. I think it's got a lot to due with the sweater, haha. :) I'll be sad not to wear it tomorrow. Oh well, maybe the sweatery joy will carry over through until the next time I wear it (as it goes to Maggie next, then back to Lauryn).

Hum. What do you love about life/fall/sweaters/anything?

♥

P.S. I updated the "art blog!" Go check it out for some poetry-ness.

The short and skinny: We are going to stay friends. I do not like Kyle romantically and we are not going be a couple or anything like that.

Thai food was delicious and lots of fun. We went out to Starbucks afterward and the was pretty chill. It's nice to just talk with a friend sometimes. :) (Especially over delicious coffee drinks.)

My friend's Eagle Scout thing was actually fun. He got a new neckerchief. Yay!

I went and saw The (non-current) Boyfriend for a little bit after the ceremony b/c I was right by his house and he invited me over. It was nice. We watched this really crazy movie. And then I left for home, changed, and went on the date. The end!

♥

So Kyle showed up at my house last night with flowers for Sweetest Day... he stayed for a little while and ended up putting his arm around me. I think he was trying to get me to kiss him? But I didn't. We talked a bit about if "this" could work, and if it didn't, could we still go back to being good friends? We agreed that we totally can and everything will be fine in any case, so I'm not terribly worried... I just think that maybe he's more into this whole date thing than I am. I know, I seemed really excited/worried before, but last night... I dunno, I don't think I'm romantically interested. Last night just left me with this feeling of... I dunno what to call it... As I described it to a couple friends, I just wanted to cry and hug The (non-current) Boyfriend. It was strange.

My mom doesn't want me to get back together with him because he's not a Christian. I personally don't care at this point. We'll just have to wait and see what happens, I suppose.

Hum, what else? Oh, my friend Dan's Eagle Scout induction or whatever is today. I made him an awesome card, which is sure to make him laugh. Yay! I am actually quite excited for the ceremony. It's only like 30 minutes long, which is probably why I'm looking forward to it. If it were like 3 hours, I might just die a little. Haha. (No offense to any potential cub/boy/eagle/whatever scouts out there... I just don't want to sit through a long ceremony for something about which I care minimally.)

I'll probably post again later tonight after the date with Kyle. We are going out for Thai food. Yumm. At least I know that much will be good... :)

♥

So... I have a date. I know I said this before, however now it has an official day, which is tomorrow. o.o

I dunno what to wear... I dunno where we're going or when or anything... I guess I should probably ask, at LEAST the when part (I dunno if these things are supposed to be surprises or whatever). This is basically my first first date ever. With The (non-current) Boyfriend, we kinda established that we were interested the night we first met, and then the first couple of times we hung out, we were with other people. We were never alone until after we'd started the relationship, so there wasn't really a "first date" so to speak.

I'm thinking I will wear my most favorite pair of skinny jeans, a cute t-shirt, a cool jacket and this really sweet scarf that I have. If the scarf doesn't work out (I'm not sure how it'll look with the jacket because right now this is all just in my head), then I think I'll go with a long necklace. Gah, maybe I need to make a trip to a friend's house and steal something from one of them...

If I don't go with the cute t-shirt, I'll probably end up going with a short dress (still over jeans). I have a few that I really like (and haven't worn in a while...) that would look a little nicer/dressier (aka more "date-worthy?") AAAAnd if I don't go with that, I have a couple of cute skirts that I could pair with something, although it might be too cold for that sort of thing. Hmm...

The only problem left is shoes. I have a zillion (ok, 5) pairs of Converse. But I also have a pair of black, knee-high boots, OR some black ankle boots, OR some black heels, OR my brown clogs (but those are sorta torn up/gross so I don't think I'll go with them) OR my black flats. Oh yeah, I also have flip-flops (too cold!) and snow boots (too warm!). Hahaha. I'll probably end up going with my black high-top Converse because they go with nearly everything and they are very "me."

Hum... sorry that this has been all about clothes so far. I'm just... ugh I don't know! Haha. I'm excited but at the same time, I'm worried, and also at the same time I'm a little sad. I mean, if it doesn't work out, then I guess we'll just stay friends and it'll be fine. But if it does go well... well then what am I going to do? Should I try to pursue things with this friend of mine? Or should I just shrug it off and go back to The (non-current) Boyfriend? I mean... I still love him, I still want to be with him... Bahhh.

Oh well. New topic. Last night was fun fun fun. We had an Autumnal Celebration in school in which a bunch of people had a potluck, went on an Autumnal Walk of Joy on the prairie path, listened to poetry readings and, most importantly, listened as someone read "Where the Wild Things Are" to us. We then left and went to see the movie a bit later. It was a little awkward b/c only one of my friends could see the movie, and, you guessed it, it was the same friend that I am going on a date with. We didn't put down the arm between our seats in the theater, but we also did not hold hands/cuddle/anything... so it was just strange. In any case, I LOVED the movie. You should go see it... scratch that, you should go read the book first (it literally takes like 5 minutes or less), and then go see the movie. It was everything I'd hoped for and more. ♥

I guess that's all I have to say right now.

♥

Ok ok ok... so... basically, I'm going on a date with my friend Kyle. And I don't know when or where yet, only that we are going to go on one.

Do I like him? ... I dunno, maybe?
Am I nervous? Not terribly.
Am I excited? Yes.
Am I going to tell The (non current) Boyfriend? ... Maybe... after it happens...? Dunno.
Do I think that this will change things? I'm leaning toward no, but who knows...
Do I plan on looking awesome? HELL YES.

So that's about it right now.

I just wrote a ton of crap for my Creative Writing class, so my thoughts are just about tapped for now. Sorry! :3

♥

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

my heart is aching a lot right now, and I don't know who can fix it.

my heart is now just sort of confused but is definitely not aching. Whoops.

The Boyfriend and I are taking a 1 month break.

We both need to figure out what we want, and how happy we really are with each other, and this was the best way I could think to do it without just breaking up all together. A break just gives us a little more hope, I think. Who knows, this'll probably only last like a week, but still. We just need some time to reassess.

Ugh ugh ugh.

I don't think I'll ever be able to be in a relationship with someone without ending up liking someone else... Is there something wrong with me?

I started thinking about crushes, likes, loves and whatever this week. I realized that I could see myself liking/dating almost any of my guy friends. And I was thinking about arranged marriages too, and how it seems like people who have arranged marriages end up falling in love and being happy a lot of the time. I mean, they're at least into each other enough to make babies, ya? So... my thinking here is that really all you need is a friendship and the rest will follow if you let it. It's all about availability and timing, for the most part. I feel like I could go anywhere and find someone who I'd be willing to date and eventually marry.

It's a little less simple than that, of course. Like, I don't want to marry someone who hates music or is mean to me or something like that... but if that's all it takes, then I could honestly see myself marrying any guy who is just a friend to me.

If you're a guy and you're my friend, don't worry, it doesn't mean I have a crush on you. I just think it wouldn't be completely absurd for us to date or get married, probably.

♥

Dear Creative Writing teacher,

You teach at a private school. Thus, you should probably stop posting things on your Twitter and Facebook like links to your stand-up comedy routine in which you swear, or jokes about wet T-Shirt contests, or anything involving the word "dick" unless it's in reference to someone named Richard.

I really don't want you to get in trouble or fired, because, quite frankly, you are probably the coolest teacher I have this year.

Sincerely,
Your student.

I'm going to go read this book right now.

:)

Yay for my school getting all of us seniors free copies! Connections rock! Wheeeee...

UGH.

I don't even know why but this just set me off...

I was in class with a couple of my friends. I was even having a really good day so far. Then, we started talking about our two friends who are also a couple, and they were talking about how they no longer like the male side of the couple, and I was trying to defend him in his boyness (since boys generally are kind of dumb... at least at our age... no offense, teeheehee). Nothing really came of that conversation, it just sorta switched to something else, which was fine. THEN, I started talking about this friend (male) who I am planning on chilling with this weekend. All of a sudden my friends are telling me that I cannot date him (well one friend, really, the other was just sort of there when it was happening and just nodded along for the most part). Hello, I am already dating someone... Sure, I might *happen* to look adorable while I hang out with this friend, but so what? No big deal.

So then my friends (again, mostly just the one) start saying how they don't like this guy and how they've only heard bad things about him. I ask if they actually know him personally, and go figure, the answer is NO. Guess who does know him personally? ME. Just because you know his ex-girlfriend who had ONE bad story about him (which could have very well been blown WAY out of proportion, especially since it "happened" like 2 years ago) doesn't mean you know everything about him. He's never done anything mean to me, and since I've known him, he's actually been a pretty fantastic friend. He helped me out a lot just by BEING THERE FOR ME this week, and I thought maybe this would be a good time to try and get together more.

So yeah, I guess it wasn't a huge deal, but I just completely shut down after this. I started doodling/writing in my notebook about how judgmental my friends (mostly with one in mind, not really the other, to reiterate again) and then my one friend starts passing me notes like "I love you" and "you're pretty" and whatever. I don't care what you think of me, and I don't care if you choose not to like some of the people I'm friends with, but don't act as if you know them so well that you can criticize them and then act like I'm crazy to want to be friends with them. UGH.

-_-

The rest of my day was spent mostly avoiding/ignoring the one friend. I was fine with the other, 'cause she is generally way awesome and wasn't really contributing to the hatin' and such. It'll all be blown over by the next time I see her, so I guess it's fine. I just... ugh, especially since the more I think about it, she complains about a LOT of people, so I hate to think what she says about me. (Not to say that I don't participate in my fair share of gossip, but still... yikes.)

/end rant.

THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AWESOME WEEKEND!

♥